I laughed so damn hard at this.
Our 2016 record: 8-8, which doesn’t even begin to hint at the pain and misery this team… this complete fucking ASSHOLE of a team… put everyone through. Fresh off a division title and with young promise all over the roster, here is what happened:
The starting quarterback had his leg explode in a non-contact drill, an injury so severe it nearly led to amputation and left witnesses on the field crying and barfing.
The GM traded a first-round pick for… God, rooting for this team means reliving past traumas over and over and over… Sam Bradford, who had already been benched in Philadelphia.
They started out 5-0 only to have their faces caved in by the same Eagles team that fleeced them for Bradford.
The coach went fucking blind.
The defensive coordinator got a DUI.
The starting defensive tackle suffered a vague leg injury that ended up keeping him out all season and could also end HIS career.
The offensive coordinator retired without first warning his head coach, and play-calling duties were then handed to the only man in NFL history who was a more underwhelming head coach than his predecessor.
The kidbeater at running back got hurt, was dragged through the stadium restaurant to receive treatment, and then subsequently fumbled in his first game back before going back into dry dock and leaving for New Orleans.
Even after missing a 27-yard chip shot against the Seahawks, they kept Blair Walsh around long enough to miss four extra points before finally cutting him.
They got cucked by Golden Tate.
Their first-round wideout caught a total of one pass (and has supposedly already hurt himself in a training camp fight).
The left guard had to tell home fans to shut the fuck up during the team’s offensive series.
The coach had a reporter correct a story that he slashed the throats of a bunch of stuffed animals and doused them with red paint to motivate the team (He TOTALLY did it).
The fucking center snapped a ball to no one.
The Cowboys beat them after a ref missed a headshot on Bradford.
The team had to deny that they were willing to shelter homeless people during a cold snap.
“Wisconsin-Based Vikings Fan Says He Was Stabbed Seven Times Over Inflatable Yard Decoration.”
The secondary mutinied while allowing Jordy Nelson to rack up 154 yards and 2 TDs.
The entire offensive line got hurt and anyone who didn’t get hurt was SHIT. TJ Clemmings, you owe me money. I have never seen worse line play. Never ever ever.
They ranked DFL in rushing.
Promising linebacker Anthony Barr was kidnapped and replaced by a sack of oats.
The new stadium destroyed scores of birds and thousands more bladders, and has already started falling apart
The only daring play that happened at the stadium was when a bunch of pipeline protesters hung a sign from the roof.
There you go. The Vikings are always keen on finding new and wondrous elements of misery: flavors, textures, colors. This team lives to punish you.
Your coach: Mike Zimmer, who has had EIGHT eye surgeries in the past year.