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Post by Tooln on Jan 27, 2017 5:48:26 GMT -6
I figured I may as well start it. They may be old but then again you may not have heard them before.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Post by MoBuckChaser on Jan 27, 2017 5:57:03 GMT -6
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
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Post by MoBuckChaser on Jan 27, 2017 6:46:15 GMT -6
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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Post by kl9 on Jan 28, 2017 21:06:16 GMT -6
No hard feelings to anyone working for a union:
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him.
He does not have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, 'Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.'
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, 'Thank you!' in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.
He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!' The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.
As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!'
The union boss asks the bartender, 'What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly a$$ does, is smile and thanks me.
Is he nuts?'
'Nope,' replies the bartender. 'He owns the place.'
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Post by kabic on Jan 31, 2017 20:58:59 GMT -6
Mo found this for you. .
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Post by mclovin on Feb 1, 2017 13:21:11 GMT -6
What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?
You know she's going to swallow.
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Post by Tooln on Feb 1, 2017 14:54:22 GMT -6
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
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Post by Tooln on Feb 1, 2017 14:57:23 GMT -6
A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just here to clean you” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
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Post by Tooln on Feb 1, 2017 15:00:13 GMT -6
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
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Post by mclovin on Feb 1, 2017 17:44:50 GMT -6
A well dressed older man is sitting on a park bench reading the paper when an attractive woman sits down. He glances up at her and says "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"Excuse me?" she exclaims, obviously offended. "I said particularly nice weather" responds the man, and the woman relaxes and says "yes, it is, thank you".
There's a homeless guy half asleep nearby and their exchange has peaked his curiosity, so when the next attractive woman sits down he's paying more attention.
"Tickle your ass with a feather?" asks the gentleman. "That sounds wonderful!" giggles the woman and the two of them run off into the bushes for a while. When the man returns to the bench the homeless guy asks him how he did that. "It's simple. You say tickle your ass with a feather, and if they get offended you pretend you said particularly nice weather. Why don't you sit down and try it out on the next girl."
So the bum has a seat and within a couple minutes a pretty girl sits down and he turns to her and says "Tickle your ass with a feather?" And she turns beet red and yells "what did you say to me?" The bum gets scared, stutters for a minute and finally blurts "Look at the Fucking Clouds!"
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Post by buckvelvet on Feb 3, 2017 8:41:59 GMT -6
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Post by Foggy on Jan 18, 2018 16:29:11 GMT -6
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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Post by Foggy on Jan 25, 2018 21:26:41 GMT -6
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.http://deerhabitat.freeforums.net/post/new/24
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Post by jbird on Feb 16, 2018 11:41:11 GMT -6
Saw a thing on FB called a "Hunting brick". It's just a brick with instructions on it's use.
Instructions: #1 - when considering hunting go out into your yard #2 - toss said "hunters brick" into the air. #3 - follow results guidelines A - if brick hits the ground.....go hunting. B - if brick doesn't hit the ground.....go to work.
I like this idea!
Very similar to the "weather brick": When wet - raining When dry - not raining has shadow - sunny no shadow - cloudy snow on brick - cold outside no brick - very, very windy
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Post by sd51555 on Feb 16, 2018 19:21:28 GMT -6
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